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Jun. 18th, 2008 @ 06:34 pm (...)
Mom was in the hospital last week cause she's diabetic. Actually she went in there cause she thought she had a stroke or something equally bad, but it turned out it was just an insanely painful migraine possibly cause by the fact she's diabetic. I didn't mention it before cause most of the people who read this probably already knew, but eh. She's fine now. She's just gotta change her diet (which she's doing) and get some exercise (which she is not doing, at all). On the up side her tests and spinal taps and MRIs and CT scans and x-rays all revealed she's relatively healthy, no cancer or anything bad like that. Just diabetes. Hopefully she'll take better care of herself now. I don't want to rant about that though, I've had a whole week to brood over it and got most of it at on TSL.

I saw a guy I went to high school with today. I honestly for the life of me can't remember his name but he recognized me right off. I've always kinda been like that, people I don't know just know me by association or whatever. I'm a big guy so that's kinda unavoidable I guess. But he said I've lost a lot of weight since then (which made me feel good, even though I never believe it when people say that just because it's one of those things you say to a fat guy so they don't decide to eat you) but he also asked me a few things like where I live (oh just up the road, which is semi important because we went to school a few towns over so it's weird to see anyone I know out here). Knowing that, he asks if I had seen anyone from school living out here, which I say no I haven't seen anyone. It's been like more than 8 years since graduation. But apparently pretty much all the people I used to hang out with in high school are still hanging out and shit. Just...still carrying on. Kinda depresses me. Not that I want to hang out with them. I mean, sure, maybe on some level it'd be fun but really I stopped hanging out with them my senior year when I decided to dual-enroll at college. I barely saw them that year since I didn't participate in any senior shit except for graduation. But the fact they're still hanging out eight fucking years later just pisses me off. I mean I just have my stupid family, who never want to fucking do fucking anything all fucking day long, and my fucking cat who never does anything except cat things. I really fucking hate the way my life turned out sometimes.

I really fucked up.
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May. 1st, 2008 @ 02:06 am Fortunes, forecasts, lucky charms!
Music: Opeth - Hex Omega
Me: What'd your fortune cookie say?
Sis: "You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend."
Me: That's what mom's said
Me: Maybe you're both going to be doing the dishes!!

Well, I thought it was funny.

So yeah anyway mine said "Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you." If I end up dead around July 30th we'll all know why.

Also I finall got a raise! Pigs! In the sky! How much you ask?

A whole $15 a week!


....fuuuuuuck.

Car problems seemed ironed out finally though. Oh and tonight I even found my pipe that I thought I lost years ago. I mean, not that I ever used it for pot or anything. Seriously I never had weed to use in the fucking thing so it just sat around on my dresser and usually held insense.

Either way, things are looking up!
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Apr. 18th, 2008 @ 12:13 am When it rains it...is rarely chocolatey
Mood: really depressed
Music: Buckethead - Ghost
Quick update, this time with bullet points!

•Car is fucked again
•Can't afford to fix it since a big chunk of my tax return went towards replacing the engine and brakes
•Boss won't give me a raise
•Even though I've worked here for four fucking years
•He says it's not in the budget
•That's bullshit.
•These bullet points are not working out too well.

•rat•tat•tat•tat•
Hobbes
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Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 11:42 am (...)
Mood: depressed
Music: Buckethead - Machete
I wish I had a better outlet for my thoughts. I'm not really in to this whole LJ thing anymore and I really hate bugging the few friends that I have with my problems. It's just...ya know...shit's buggin me. I haven't been feeling too great lately, living here is stressful. I don't get any privacy at all. I don't get a backyard cause my boss's trike shit shop is back there. Don't get a front yard either cause there's always people coming and going, plus we live pretty close to the road anyway. Mom is always here. Sis is always here. None of us have anywhere else to go. It just feels like a fucking prison. In just 11 short days my mom and I will have worked here for exactly 4 years (although technically I've worked here 4 years and a couple months but that's another story). Regardless, 4 years and still making the same amount of money. No raises. No vacation. Now we're down to only one day off a week. I know it's a "home" business but when we're working just about all we can do is WORK, it gets pretty fucking busy answering phones all day and night. I'm not really as worried about that though as I am the money. Everything is costing more and we're hardly able to buy the things we need, let alone what we want. The whole problem is that I don't know how to approach my boss about it. Every time money gets brought up he says money is tight and he works all these hours and he's not paying himself, he's paying us, he's doing us a favor, blah blah blah him him him. Not in those exact words I guess but pretty close. And yet he always has enough money to fund his trike business...no...hobby cause he can't call it business. He's got money to go to Daytona Beach and Webster and all this shit to buy shit for his trikes that he never even fucking sells. It just pisses me off that we're working for slave wages and fucking treated like slaves.

That's not really true but whatever, that's how it feels sometimes.

So I guess what's going to happen is I'm going to have to take a second job. Which is not what I want to do because I'm burnt out enough as it is working this one.

But even that isn't what's really got me down today. I woke up early this morning and did my usual Wednesday Wal-Mart trip for groceries. And who should find me but my "grandpa". I can't even use it without the quotes anymore because as far as I'm concerned he's not anymore (technically never was, another story). But he comes up to me and is all "hi stephen how are you what have you been up to etc" and I just froze up, couldn't think of anything to say to him. Didn't want to say anything to him. This is a man that disowned me, disowned my sister, disowned everyone that wasn't blood-related to him after he got married. Last time he talked to me was across the table of the local courthouse after he tried to sue me. He apparently got the hint, "I guess you don't want to talk to me" and I said no, not really. He just walked away after that. I don't know how he felt, if he was just like whatever or maybe possibly felt hurt by it. I know I fucking felt like crying and I'm still kind of on the verge right now. It just pisses me off so much that I loved this man, lived with him for like 17 years of my life and he just threw it all away.

He betrayed whatever bond we had together and there's nothing he can ever do to change that.

PS: this bottle of Captain Morgan Tattoo is gonna get destroyed after work tonight
Hobbes
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Jan. 29th, 2008 @ 10:42 pm I need a job with some fuckin' health insurance
Music: Korn - Blind
I have 20/13 vision. Except for this large fuckin' blind spot in my right eye! So I figure I'll get some glasses, ya? I've got the tax return, got a little extra to blow.

No dice. Glasses can't fix the problem I have because, hey hey, it's fuckin' retinal damage or some shit like that. Glaucoma maybe. Seriously that's fucked up. I'm worried about it, obviously, because it's something that could get worse. Right now it's not bad cause my left eye kinda cancels it out. From what I've read though it could get real worse real fast and then I'll be fucked.

So of course this means I'll have to use MORE of my tax money to go see a specialist. On top of the brake work I have to get done with the car. Did I mention that? The local tire place wanted $600+ to fix my brakes. I won't be paying quite that much since my boss offered to help me out and he'll do the work if I pay for the parts, so that's kind of a big help. But still, I just wanted to fucking SAVE some of my tax return money SO I CAN GET OUT ON MY OWN BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO.

So we've got insurance on the car, brakes for the car, however the hell much my eyes are going to cost...not to mention whatever else life is going to throw at me.

This sucks.
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Jan. 21st, 2008 @ 06:45 am Monday, January 21st 2008
Mood: cold
Music: Sister Hazel - Your Winter
First post of the new year. First real post since fucking MAY of last year.

I never really have much to say anymore. Life is pretty boring since there's not a whole lot to look forward to. Tax returns are coming up soon though and if it's anything like last year I'll be a few grand richer (for a brief time, at least). Part of me wants to just use that money to leave here, forever, and never look back. A large part of me in fact. I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do. My mom and sister both feel part of that money is theirs since I'm technically claiming both of them on my taxes again (I'm head of household, supporting both of them). That gets me a pretty big chunk of earned income. So they're already planning on what they want to do with it. Sis wants a camera, mom wants a new computer and a monitor.

I probably couldn't start a new life with a measly $3,000 anyway. Just having to buy my own car, insurance, eye exam and glasses (hopefully glasses can fix the blindness I'm getting in one eye) would cost me plenty and that's before finding a place to live and another job.

So then the other part of me, the part that just says "fuck it, you're not gonna make it in life alone anyway" wins over and I think about what worthless piece of consumer crap can I buy to get me some shortlived happiness. A few Wii games here (Brawl), a few animes there (the rest of Fullmetal Alchemist) might make me forget about how worthless I am for a time.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel lost. I'm 26 and have no direction at all in life. No purpose.

What the hell am I living for?
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Oct. 1st, 2007 @ 04:22 am (...)
Music: Hirano Aya - Dondake Fanfare
Oh my God, an update!




...just kidding
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Jun. 10th, 2007 @ 06:19 am Stolen from a couple people
Music: Clint Mansell - Dead Reckoning

ColorQuiz.com Aeon took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Suffering from the effects of those things which a..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.




I hate it when quizzes are pretty spot-on like that.
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May. 10th, 2007 @ 03:43 pm (...)
Mood: hurty
Music: the numbness in my head
Got tooth removed, cost me $130 instead of the hundreds and hundreds. Didn't take too long once they doped me up, I was able to drive home afterwards. It's still bleeding though. And my head hurts like hell but that's probably from all the smoke in the area.

Had sushi for lunch before I got the tooth removed. Only had a few pieces, the rest in the fridge. I'm hoping it doesn't go bad too quick cause I'd like to finish it off. First time I've ever had it but it was goooooooood. Also bought a bottle of sake that I will indulge in once I'm able to do so.

Haven't slept in about 24 hours now. Supposed to work in about an hour and a half. Fuck that. Gonna take the two Vicodin I have left, hope the bleeding stops, hope the numbness goes away so I can talk without sounding retarded (well more so than usual).
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May. 7th, 2007 @ 12:25 pm (...)
Music: Tool - Sober
Man...the pain in my tooth is getting so bad. I'm not able to sleep if I don't take Vicodin, and even that doesn't help me too much. I'm going to try to get the tooth removed Thursday, I think if I go to the UF college of dentistry or whatever they can do it for a lot cheaper than going to a specialist. And I've got one refill on my Vicodin, but at least that'll only be like $12. I bet if I ask nicely I can get another refill after that though.

It's really just a pain having to deal with this shit. It wears me out so I don't even feel like doing anything.

In other news I got my Scrapped Princess DVD set that I ordered over a month ago. RightStuf had it backordered (ordered it when they were having their Bandai sale). Only $30, very worth it. Still waiting on my Haruhi DVD but that doesn't come out until the end of the month.

So I guess today I'm just going to watch anime and chill out, at least until I have to work at 5.
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May. 1st, 2007 @ 11:14 pm (...)
Music: Game Over - Little Mac's Confession
Tooth I broke a couple years ago is absessed. Has absessed? I don't know what the correct term for that is, but all it really comes down to is I'm in a bitch load of pain and it's going to cost me a shitton of money to get it fixed since surprise I have no insurance. So either I pay $900 for a root canal PLUS a few hundred extra to get the tooth capped + fixed, or I pay a few hundred dollars to just get the fucking thing pulled.

Of course it's not that easy, since I have to see a specialist about it. Apparently the roots are all up in my sinuses so they rick a sinus preforation by removing the tooth. So until I can see a specialist I'm on antibiotics (and vicodin! thank god).

I was gonna write up a bunch more stuff but when I thought about it there really isn't much going on to even talk about. So I'm going to take my Vicodin and hope I'm able to sleep tonight.
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Mar. 30th, 2007 @ 09:10 pm (...)
Music: VNV Nation - VNV Nation Finest Hour Mix
My boss is in the hospital. Again. Hopefully he'll be out by Monday that isn't certain. He went in week before last to have his hernia worked on, now it's infected and they've got him hooked up to tubes and shit to drain the fucking thing. Yay. Then afterwards I guess they'll actually remove the hernia like they were supposed to do before.

I'm not really a fan of working 12 or 13 hours a day, especially since I'm back to my old overnight schedule. But I made $100 extra before and I'm hoping to make at least that much on my next check. This month is going to be busy with Super Paper Mario, Pokemon D/P, and...something else I wanted. Plus next month the first volume of Haruhi comes out and I'll be damned if I don't order it. I got a Visa debit card now and I'm not going to let it go to waste! :argh:

I guess I'll go ahead and end it here. Everything else is just...boring.
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Mar. 7th, 2007 @ 04:37 am :argh:
Mood: foul
I get really paranoid when anything computer-related happens. Especially when it involves a piece of hardware suddenly turning off and spewing smoke everywhere.

Power supply went poof. We had a spare in the closet, thankfully, but it doesn't have as many power connectors or a connector for SATA. Luckily, I had an adapter thingie for that. So I put the new one in, hook everything up, and pray as I turn the power on.

Everything comes up fine. Aside from a small problem with the wireless connection (which seems to be because I used a different USB port) everything is working normally. Except I've got an old PSU next to me that smells of smoke. Shit like that isn't just supposed to happen, although I guess it just does from time to time.

But point is now I'm worried that maybe it wasn't just the power supply. Maybe there's something else. Too much power being drawn from something. I don't know. I've looked at my sensors and as far as I can tell everything is normal. I think I'd probably feel better if something wasn't normal because at least then I'd have something to blame this on.

To top it all off, the spare power supply I'm using is just that: a spare. So now I've gotta order a new power supply and that means using money from my savings. And I gotta hope that the power supply is the only problem because I really don't want to replace anything else.

:argh:
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Mar. 5th, 2007 @ 08:41 pm stolen from steph
Mood: bored
Music: FLCL - Little Busters

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality
You are more logical than emotional, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more traditional than rebel, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are adventurous (95%), greedy (82%), intellectual (60%).

Stereotypes
Geek90%
Punk Rock80%
Emo Kid56%
  
Life Experience
Sex21%
Substances16%
Travel15%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Libertarian, whom you agree with around 58% of the time. 		  Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Working Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 77% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated PG.
By the way, your hottness rank is 31%, hotter than 45% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
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C&H FC
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Feb. 25th, 2007 @ 04:55 am February 25th, 1997.
Music: Fullmetal Alchemist - RETURNABLE MEMORIES
I had planned on writing an extensive journal entry about today. Anyone who's been secretly reading this may be able to figure out what today means and thusly figure out it's importance to me.

But alas, I'm too tired and it will just have to wait. Hopefully when I decide to dive deeply back in to my thoughts, it will still be today.
Calvin
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Feb. 23rd, 2007 @ 01:07 am (...)
Music: Stone Temple Pilots - Big Empty
So after what happened last week with my "grandpa", I was kinda of worried about things. Like, maybe I've changed so much (physically, at least) that people just won't recognize me anymore.

That stupid thought was put to rest last night when I ran in to a girl I went to school with and haven't seen for a good 7 or 8 years. We were in the same grade together but I never really knew her. I may not have even recognized her if it wasn't for the blaring name tag reading "Tina" that she wore. But she recognized me, gave me a "Hey Stephen, how's it going" and yadda yadda, little chat.

So even after years and years and the fact that I now live in a few towns over from where I went to school, I'm still reconized by people I barely know. Which *hopefully* means I haven't changed too much. Which definitely means either my grandpa didn't notice me despite the fact that I was sitting not 10 feet right in front of him, or he was just simply ignoring me.

You can probably guess which one of those I'm going with.

...

So in other news, that black cat that had been hanging around here seems to have finally gone somewhere else. Or dead. That kinda hurts cause I was beginning to like the little fuck. But since he was never really ours to begin with I can't feel too bad about him being gone. I do hope he's alright though.

In anime news I finished watching Chobits the other day. I like those romantic comedy types, not really sure why. Chobits, Girls Bravo, Please Teacher / Twins...oh wait those are more fanservice-y. Oh well. Boobs are great too.
Calvin
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Feb. 14th, 2007 @ 09:14 pm (...)
Music: Apocalyptica - Quutamo
I took the car in today to get some work done. Had a couple tires replaced since one of them was about to split apart (real fucking safe, I know). I took it to the tire place at Wal-Mart since I figured I'd get decent work and not have to pay a shitload of money. This isn't all that important to my story but I have to set it up.

So, I'm sitting there. And in walks...my grandpa. Someone I haven't seen in six, close to seven years. There's quite a long backstory to him so if anyone that doesn't know would like to know, just ask. Needless to say I wish for nothing to do with him after what's happened. And that's pretty much what I got today. He walked in, looked directly at me.

He didn't say a word.

Now I don't know if he just didn't recognize me (all fat people look alike to me) or just didn't care to say anything to me. I don't know. I didn't say anything to him, I just kind of buried my face in to the nearest magazine and listened. He came in to have a nail removed from a tire, Wal-Mart lady said the wait would be a few hours since they were pretty backed up. He made small talk, said he was going up to North Carolina because they (him and his wife, I guess) were selling a house they had there. Blah blah blah. Then he left after the lady told him to go up the road to the other tire place, maybe they could help.

And that was it.

So after six years of thinking about all the things I would say to this man if I ever saw him again, telling him how I felt he ruined my life and discarded his fucking family for some bitch-devil. After living with him for nearly 17 years. Trusting him, loving him like a father.

I froze up. I couldn't move, I couldn't say anything to him. Part of me feels like crying and yet another part is just content with never seeing him again.

Having family that loves you is pretty over-rated anyway.
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Feb. 14th, 2007 @ 12:07 am Crappy Valentine's Day
Music: Type O Negative - Who Will Save The Sane?
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Jan. 30th, 2007 @ 04:41 pm My bank account reads as follows.
Music: Apocalyptica - Hope Vol. 2
Regular Shares: 2,004.02

In case it's not obvious, that $4.02 was all that was in my account before my tax return.

I've got about $700 in my wallet that I'm giving to my mom, all after buying a Wii, a few games and accessories, a bread maker, and a fucking sweet carbon steel wok. My first tax return ever. The first time I've ever even made enough money to file.

Ten years of nothing but bad luck, hardships, and bullshit. Does this mean my curse is finally over? I don't know. Ever since my grandma died it just feels like it's been one problem after another. And now that things are starting to look up, I'm frightened. Scared to death of something bad happening. Because every time something good happens, an equally bad thing happens.

And before I go off on a rant about equivalent exchange (damn you Fullmetal Alchemist!) I'll stop and just hope that maybe it'll be different. At least for a little while.

Also, LJ is being quite lame and not saving my entries like it should.
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Dec. 13th, 2006 @ 02:36 pm The true meaning of the holidays? Getting stuff.
Ok so

Finally got a new TV. Had to save up for a few extra weeks to have enough, but we finally have one with composite and component inputs! So now whenever we have enough to afford a Wii (and of course can actually find said Wii) we can all fully enjoy it in the spacious living room and not on my tiny monitor.

It's just a crappy off brand non-HD TV, but I feel like we've made a small step up in the world.

Also ordered Portrait of Ruin since Wal-Mart doesn't have it and an Xmas gift for my sis (a necklace that she wanted). Got my mom a late birthday gift (bath gift set thing, she likes stuff like that) but her Xmas gift will be coming once the WoW expansion comes out.

All in all, not too shabby for a poor white trash Christmas.
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