Music: Buckethead - Machete
I wish I had a better outlet for my thoughts. I'm not really in to this whole LJ thing anymore and I really hate bugging the few friends that I have with my problems. It's just...ya know...shit's buggin me. I haven't been feeling too great lately, living here is stressful. I don't get any privacy at all. I don't get a backyard cause my boss's trike shit shop is back there. Don't get a front yard either cause there's always people coming and going, plus we live pretty close to the road anyway. Mom is always here. Sis is always here. None of us have anywhere else to go. It just feels like a fucking prison. In just 11 short days my mom and I will have worked here for exactly 4 years (although technically I've worked here 4 years and a couple months but that's another story). Regardless, 4 years and still making the same amount of money. No raises. No vacation. Now we're down to only one day off a week. I know it's a "home" business but when we're working just about all we can do is WORK, it gets pretty fucking busy answering phones all day and night. I'm not really as worried about that though as I am the money. Everything is costing more and we're hardly able to buy the things we need, let alone what we want. The whole problem is that I don't know how to approach my boss about it. Every time money gets brought up he says money is tight and he works all these hours and he's not paying himself, he's paying us, he's doing us a favor, blah blah blah him him him. Not in those exact words I guess but pretty close. And yet he always has enough money to fund his trike business...no...hobby cause he can't call it business. He's got money to go to Daytona Beach and Webster and all this shit to buy shit for his trikes that he never even fucking sells. It just pisses me off that we're working for slave wages and fucking treated like slaves.
That's not really true but whatever, that's how it feels sometimes.
So I guess what's going to happen is I'm going to have to take a second job. Which is not what I want to do because I'm burnt out enough as it is working this one.
But even that isn't what's really got me down today. I woke up early this morning and did my usual Wednesday Wal-Mart trip for groceries. And who should find me but my "grandpa". I can't even use it without the quotes anymore because as far as I'm concerned he's not anymore (technically never was, another story). But he comes up to me and is all "hi stephen how are you what have you been up to etc" and I just froze up, couldn't think of anything to say to him. Didn't want to say anything to him. This is a man that disowned me, disowned my sister, disowned everyone that wasn't blood-related to him after he got married. Last time he talked to me was across the table of the local courthouse after he tried to sue me. He apparently got the hint, "I guess you don't want to talk to me" and I said no, not really. He just walked away after that. I don't know how he felt, if he was just like whatever or maybe possibly felt hurt by it. I know I fucking felt like crying and I'm still kind of on the verge right now. It just pisses me off so much that I loved this man, lived with him for like 17 years of my life and he just threw it all away.
He betrayed whatever bond we had together and there's nothing he can ever do to change that.
PS: this bottle of Captain Morgan Tattoo is gonna get destroyed after work tonight