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Dec. 14th, 2009 @ 08:34 pm (...)

This photo was taken almost 20 years ago to the day. It's of me and my grandma, on the only day I've ever seen it snow in Florida.

I don't think there are any words that can describe the emptiness inside of me.
Jun. 18th, 2008 @ 06:34 pm (...)
Mom was in the hospital last week cause she's diabetic. Actually she went in there cause she thought she had a stroke or something equally bad, but it turned out it was just an insanely painful migraine possibly cause by the fact she's diabetic. I didn't mention it before cause most of the people who read this probably already knew, but eh. She's fine now. She's just gotta change her diet (which she's doing) and get some exercise (which she is not doing, at all). On the up side her tests and spinal taps and MRIs and CT scans and x-rays all revealed she's relatively healthy, no cancer or anything bad like that. Just diabetes. Hopefully she'll take better care of herself now. I don't want to rant about that though, I've had a whole week to brood over it and got most of it at on TSL.

I saw a guy I went to high school with today. I honestly for the life of me can't remember his name but he recognized me right off. I've always kinda been like that, people I don't know just know me by association or whatever. I'm a big guy so that's kinda unavoidable I guess. But he said I've lost a lot of weight since then (which made me feel good, even though I never believe it when people say that just because it's one of those things you say to a fat guy so they don't decide to eat you) but he also asked me a few things like where I live (oh just up the road, which is semi important because we went to school a few towns over so it's weird to see anyone I know out here). Knowing that, he asks if I had seen anyone from school living out here, which I say no I haven't seen anyone. It's been like more than 8 years since graduation. But apparently pretty much all the people I used to hang out with in high school are still hanging out and shit. Just...still carrying on. Kinda depresses me. Not that I want to hang out with them. I mean, sure, maybe on some level it'd be fun but really I stopped hanging out with them my senior year when I decided to dual-enroll at college. I barely saw them that year since I didn't participate in any senior shit except for graduation. But the fact they're still hanging out eight fucking years later just pisses me off. I mean I just have my stupid family, who never want to fucking do fucking anything all fucking day long, and my fucking cat who never does anything except cat things. I really fucking hate the way my life turned out sometimes.

I really fucked up.
May. 1st, 2008 @ 02:06 am Fortunes, forecasts, lucky charms!
Music: Opeth - Hex Omega
Me: What'd your fortune cookie say?
Sis: "You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend."
Me: That's what mom's said
Me: Maybe you're both going to be doing the dishes!!

Well, I thought it was funny.

So yeah anyway mine said "Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you." If I end up dead around July 30th we'll all know why.

Also I finall got a raise! Pigs! In the sky! How much you ask?

A whole $15 a week!


Car problems seemed ironed out finally though. Oh and tonight I even found my pipe that I thought I lost years ago. I mean, not that I ever used it for pot or anything. Seriously I never had weed to use in the fucking thing so it just sat around on my dresser and usually held insense.

Either way, things are looking up!
Apr. 18th, 2008 @ 12:13 am When it rains it...is rarely chocolatey
Mood: really depressed
Music: Buckethead - Ghost
Quick update, this time with bullet points!

•Car is fucked again
•Can't afford to fix it since a big chunk of my tax return went towards replacing the engine and brakes
•Boss won't give me a raise
•Even though I've worked here for four fucking years
•He says it's not in the budget
•That's bullshit.
•These bullet points are not working out too well.

Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 11:42 am (...)
Mood: depressed
Music: Buckethead - Machete
I wish I had a better outlet for my thoughts. I'm not really in to this whole LJ thing anymore and I really hate bugging the few friends that I have with my problems. It's just...ya know...shit's buggin me. I haven't been feeling too great lately, living here is stressful. I don't get any privacy at all. I don't get a backyard cause my boss's trike shit shop is back there. Don't get a front yard either cause there's always people coming and going, plus we live pretty close to the road anyway. Mom is always here. Sis is always here. None of us have anywhere else to go. It just feels like a fucking prison. In just 11 short days my mom and I will have worked here for exactly 4 years (although technically I've worked here 4 years and a couple months but that's another story). Regardless, 4 years and still making the same amount of money. No raises. No vacation. Now we're down to only one day off a week. I know it's a "home" business but when we're working just about all we can do is WORK, it gets pretty fucking busy answering phones all day and night. I'm not really as worried about that though as I am the money. Everything is costing more and we're hardly able to buy the things we need, let alone what we want. The whole problem is that I don't know how to approach my boss about it. Every time money gets brought up he says money is tight and he works all these hours and he's not paying himself, he's paying us, he's doing us a favor, blah blah blah him him him. Not in those exact words I guess but pretty close. And yet he always has enough money to fund his trike business...no...hobby cause he can't call it business. He's got money to go to Daytona Beach and Webster and all this shit to buy shit for his trikes that he never even fucking sells. It just pisses me off that we're working for slave wages and fucking treated like slaves.

That's not really true but whatever, that's how it feels sometimes.

So I guess what's going to happen is I'm going to have to take a second job. Which is not what I want to do because I'm burnt out enough as it is working this one.

But even that isn't what's really got me down today. I woke up early this morning and did my usual Wednesday Wal-Mart trip for groceries. And who should find me but my "grandpa". I can't even use it without the quotes anymore because as far as I'm concerned he's not anymore (technically never was, another story). But he comes up to me and is all "hi stephen how are you what have you been up to etc" and I just froze up, couldn't think of anything to say to him. Didn't want to say anything to him. This is a man that disowned me, disowned my sister, disowned everyone that wasn't blood-related to him after he got married. Last time he talked to me was across the table of the local courthouse after he tried to sue me. He apparently got the hint, "I guess you don't want to talk to me" and I said no, not really. He just walked away after that. I don't know how he felt, if he was just like whatever or maybe possibly felt hurt by it. I know I fucking felt like crying and I'm still kind of on the verge right now. It just pisses me off so much that I loved this man, lived with him for like 17 years of my life and he just threw it all away.

He betrayed whatever bond we had together and there's nothing he can ever do to change that.

PS: this bottle of Captain Morgan Tattoo is gonna get destroyed after work tonight
Jan. 29th, 2008 @ 10:42 pm I need a job with some fuckin' health insurance
Music: Korn - Blind
I have 20/13 vision. Except for this large fuckin' blind spot in my right eye! So I figure I'll get some glasses, ya? I've got the tax return, got a little extra to blow.

No dice. Glasses can't fix the problem I have because, hey hey, it's fuckin' retinal damage or some shit like that. Glaucoma maybe. Seriously that's fucked up. I'm worried about it, obviously, because it's something that could get worse. Right now it's not bad cause my left eye kinda cancels it out. From what I've read though it could get real worse real fast and then I'll be fucked.

So of course this means I'll have to use MORE of my tax money to go see a specialist. On top of the brake work I have to get done with the car. Did I mention that? The local tire place wanted $600+ to fix my brakes. I won't be paying quite that much since my boss offered to help me out and he'll do the work if I pay for the parts, so that's kind of a big help. But still, I just wanted to fucking SAVE some of my tax return money SO I CAN GET OUT ON MY OWN BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO.

So we've got insurance on the car, brakes for the car, however the hell much my eyes are going to cost...not to mention whatever else life is going to throw at me.

This sucks.
Jan. 21st, 2008 @ 06:45 am Monday, January 21st 2008
Mood: cold
Music: Sister Hazel - Your Winter
First post of the new year. First real post since fucking MAY of last year.

I never really have much to say anymore. Life is pretty boring since there's not a whole lot to look forward to. Tax returns are coming up soon though and if it's anything like last year I'll be a few grand richer (for a brief time, at least). Part of me wants to just use that money to leave here, forever, and never look back. A large part of me in fact. I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do. My mom and sister both feel part of that money is theirs since I'm technically claiming both of them on my taxes again (I'm head of household, supporting both of them). That gets me a pretty big chunk of earned income. So they're already planning on what they want to do with it. Sis wants a camera, mom wants a new computer and a monitor.

I probably couldn't start a new life with a measly $3,000 anyway. Just having to buy my own car, insurance, eye exam and glasses (hopefully glasses can fix the blindness I'm getting in one eye) would cost me plenty and that's before finding a place to live and another job.

So then the other part of me, the part that just says "fuck it, you're not gonna make it in life alone anyway" wins over and I think about what worthless piece of consumer crap can I buy to get me some shortlived happiness. A few Wii games here (Brawl), a few animes there (the rest of Fullmetal Alchemist) might make me forget about how worthless I am for a time.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel lost. I'm 26 and have no direction at all in life. No purpose.

What the hell am I living for?
Oct. 1st, 2007 @ 04:22 am (...)
Music: Hirano Aya - Dondake Fanfare
Oh my God, an update!

...just kidding
Jun. 10th, 2007 @ 06:19 am Stolen from a couple people
Music: Clint Mansell - Dead Reckoning

ColorQuiz.com Aeon took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Suffering from the effects of those things which a..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

I hate it when quizzes are pretty spot-on like that.
May. 10th, 2007 @ 03:43 pm (...)
Mood: hurty
Music: the numbness in my head
Got tooth removed, cost me $130 instead of the hundreds and hundreds. Didn't take too long once they doped me up, I was able to drive home afterwards. It's still bleeding though. And my head hurts like hell but that's probably from all the smoke in the area.

Had sushi for lunch before I got the tooth removed. Only had a few pieces, the rest in the fridge. I'm hoping it doesn't go bad too quick cause I'd like to finish it off. First time I've ever had it but it was goooooooood. Also bought a bottle of sake that I will indulge in once I'm able to do so.

Haven't slept in about 24 hours now. Supposed to work in about an hour and a half. Fuck that. Gonna take the two Vicodin I have left, hope the bleeding stops, hope the numbness goes away so I can talk without sounding retarded (well more so than usual).
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